The Great Pause

Back in January, I wrote a post called Presence and I talked about how, in the age of technology, smartphones, and social media, it is so important for us to put those things away at times and be physically present with others. The irony is that, less than two months after I wrote that, our world is in a place where those technologies are the only things allowing us to connect with others and maintain some level of presence.

My appreciation for these technologies has grown substantially in the past three weeks because, despite having not left the house in a month except to get food, I have been able to stay relatively connected to many of the people I care about. I've been able to continue doing my job (sort of) supporting students and helping them learn even when they cannot go to school. I've played some of my favorite games on video chats with friends. I've attended virtual meetings for groups and clubs that I am part of - classes that I wouldn't have had time to attend during my normally busy schedule. I've been able to stay in contact with my exchange student even though he is back in Spain and thousands of miles away. Although these interactions are not the same as being physically present, I cannot imagine how much harder the past three weeks would have been if we were completely isolated without those technologies.

I've written a few posts about the coronavirus epidemic already. I've reflected on how this time has forced us to slow down and how that's a good thing. I've realized the importance of checking in with others, even if it's just a quick message to let them know you're thinking about them. And I've realized how much I take things for granted.

The next step for me is deciding how I want to come out of this situation. We cannot get back the last two months of our lives or the things we missed out on, but this interruption is a great opportunity to reset and to do things differently going forward.

Several of my friends have shared this article from Forge by Julio Vincent Gambuto that describes this very opportunity. Here is my favorite part:

From one citizen to another, I beg of you: take a deep breath, ignore the deafening noise, and think deeply about what you want to put back into your life. This is our chance to define a new version of normal, a rare and truly sacred (yes, sacred) opportunity to get rid of the bullshit and to only bring back what works for us, what makes our lives richer, what makes our kids happier, what makes us truly proud. We get to Marie Kondo the shit out of it all. We care deeply about one another. That is clear. That can be seen in every supportive Facebook post, in every meal dropped off for a neighbor, in every Zoom birthday party. We are a good people. And as a good people, we want to define — on our own terms — what this country looks like in five, 10, 50 years. This is our chance to do that, the biggest one we have ever gotten. And the best one we’ll ever get.

My fear is that we won't take the opportunity; that I won't take the opportunity.

It is so much easier, and more comfortable, to go back to exactly the way things were. We can simply put our blinders back on and only choose to see the things we want to see. We can fill our calendars back up with our business (and busy-ness), go back to our routine of convenience, and kick the can further down the road when it comes to dealing with global, and personal, issues.

There are some glimmers of hope, though.

Maybe congress passing a $2.2 trillion relief bill almost unanimously is a sign that we (liberals and conservatives) still have some things in common; that taking care of each other is more important than getting what we want.

Maybe the improvement to the air and water quality in many cities and carbon emissions at their lowest point in years as a result of us all staying home and shutting things down for a while is the catalyst we needed to start taking better care of our planet.

Maybe I'm naive.

On a personal level, I need to use the time I have remaining stuck inside to consider what I will do differently; to decide what I want to put back in my life, and what I want to leave out. I need to figure out what things make me happy and give me purpose, and what things just keep me busy.

Here are some things I know are in the first category:

1) Visiting with my family. I've been at my parents' house for the longest amount of time since graduating high school which I didn't expect to happen. I've made the cookies that my mom taught me how to make in middle school (yes, the Nestle Tollhouse recipe). I've done the dishes, "debated" with my sister, watched some Jeopardy, and played way too many rounds of cards. I've even had a chance to go through old photos and other things from my childhood. I can't take for granted that I had the option to do this rather than sit at home by myself. I missed out on visiting my other sister and her family last month, but that will happen soon enough.

2) My job. Middle school kids are a fun, unique, and insightful bunch. I didn't realize how much I get from being in the presence of their awkwardness until now when my interactions are only through emails and virtual classrooms. I certainly don't feel like I make a profound impact on kids everyday in my job but, on the days when I get to leave school knowing that I helped a student navigate this tough stage in life, it definitely gives me a sense of purpose.

3) Investing in others. Being a mentor with Big Brothers Big Sisters is one way I can continue to do this. I stopped leading Young Life this year which was a good decision for me, but I knew that I needed to find a new way to invest myself in others. Hosting an exchange student this year was that opportunity. I knew going into it that it was only for 10 months and I wasn't sure how it would feel to say goodbye. Having that time cut short because of the coronavirus made it even tougher. The eight months that Ramón and I did have were so much fun, though. I got a small glimpse into being a parent and all of the things that come with it. Although it was only 8 months, it was well worth it. I have agreed to host another student next year and I am both nervous and excited.

4) Friends. This is an area that I need to focus on. I realize that I have kept myself so busy with other things for many years that I have failed to maintain some important friendships.

5) A cause. Over the past few years, I have learned a lot about climate change and other impacts that we as humans are having on our planet. It seems like such a daunting task to try and address it, but I know that, at the very least, there are many small things I can do to reduce my impact. If I'm going to continue investing in the next generation, it would be hypocritical of me to not at least try to live more sustainably and leave the planet a little bit better for them.

We're at a turning point. What we do with it is up to us, individually and collectively.

Also from Julio Vincent Gambuto:

Well, the treadmill you’ve been on for decades just stopped. Bam! And that feeling you have right now is the same as if you’d been thrown off your Peloton bike and onto the ground: What in the holy fuck just happened? I hope you might consider this: What happened is inexplicably incredible. It’s the greatest gift ever unwrapped. Not the deaths, not the virus, but The Great Pause.

Social Distancing

Six feet or thousands of miles. They both can be tough.

This morning, I said goodbye to Ramón, my high school exchange student, two months early. The coronavirus pandemic made it necessary for all of the students to go home now. I wrote a couple of weeks ago about how our plans for spring break were impacted by this virus, but I never expected this drastic turn of events. Rather than meeting my eight-month-old nephew, celebrating my niece’s 8th birthday, and seeing my sister and the rest of her family in Pennsylvania, I’m stuck at home. Today, Ramón and I would be driving from PA to Washington, D.C. to spend a few days being tourists but, instead, he’s on a flight back to Spain. I am so grateful for the months that he had here and the fun adventures that we had. What’s hardest about the situation is that he won’t get to see his friends for a while when he gets home and I won’t be able to do my usual things to keep me busy now that he’s gone. I know that we have all been impacted by this epidemic, some much more so than I have been. Seeing the airport empty this morning was eerie. Going into a usually busy coffee shop and seeing the tables and chairs all blocked off is sad. I realize that this is temporary but the impact it will have, that it is already having, is unimaginable.

Our state went into a “stay at home” order this morning. We continue to see the number of sick people increase and the death toll is also rising. I completely understand the necessity for the measures that are being taken but the cost is so great. The words that keep being used are “isolation” and “social distancing”. We are all being asked to stay at home and, if we have to go out, stay at least six feet away from others.

I’ve talked before about how I am an introvert. I need time to myself to decompress and to process. I often like to write my thoughts more than speaking them (as you can clearly tell). I’ve seen jokes and memes on social media about how this current situation is an introvert’s dream. While I appreciate the humor of it, I have to say that, as an introvert, this is not what we’re looking for. Introverts and extroverts alike want and need connection with others, we just find it in different ways. As humans, we are wired for connections with others. Video chats are nice and social media helps a little bit, but they are no substitute for true human connections.

Ramón and I have been watching one of my favorite shows, Boston Legal, for the past several weeks. One episode was timely in that it talked about this idea of isolation. Jerry, a socially awkward lawyer with Asperger’s syndrome, is defending a teacher who was fired from her job for hugging an upset student. I’ve never been much of a hugger, but I do appreciate it in the right moments and I definitely understand the importance of the physical presence of others. This is what Jerry said about human connection:

Perhaps with the continued evolution of smartphones and emails and video conferencing, we’ll find a way to keep people from ever being in the same room together… won’t that be wonderful? Years ago, they did an experiment with an orphaned baby monkey. They gave it two choices for a surrogate… one which could provide milk, the other a hug. The monkey chose the hug. I grew up with various social disabilities. I had no friends. I got a job that only required I write memorandums. I lived a life, basically, with no real human contact. I improved through the kindness, compassion, and yes, physical affection of others. The human touch cannot be quantified. It cannot be analyzed with statistics. We can’t place a number on it. It’s the best, the most direct, the most lasting way of affirming another person’s humanity. We are living in such an increasingly isolated world. We IM and text message and have virtual relationships online – it gets lonelier and lonelier while teenage and adult depression continue to rise. There are, perhaps, many things we can do about it… banning the hug can’t be one of them.

One way that I find connection is through keeping myself busy – with work, volunteering, trying new things. Right now, even those things are impossible. The Denver Zoo, where I have been a volunteer for six years, is currently closed and staff are losing their jobs because of the lost revenue. I don’t know when I will be able to go back to volunteering. My school will continue to do “remote learning” for at least the next three weeks; probably longer. We are all experiencing some isolation and it’s not good for us.

As I said earlier, I realize that this is temporary. This too shall pass. The uncertainty is what makes it so difficult. We all need to take care of ourselves and take care of each other through this, even if we have to do it from a distance for now. For me, I know that being alone for the next three weeks or more will not be good for my well-being. Because of that, I’m heading to my parents’ house this afternoon to have some company. Do whatever you have to do to take care of yourself through this time. When it’s allowed again, give somebody a hug.

I keep having to tell myself that my goodbye this morning was just a goodbye for now. I know that I will get to see Ramon again. I also know that I will get to see my sister’s family and meet my nephew soon enough. My hope is that, through this difficult time, our whole world will come through it stronger and more appreciative of the things that we have. We’ve learned how quickly those things can be taken away.

Stay strong, take care of yourselves, and wash your hands. Thanks for letting me process in my introverted way.

Presence

pres·ent
/ˈprez(ə)nt/
adjective
fully focused on or involved in what one is doing or experiencing

I had a conversation with a student at the end of the school day today that reminded me why I do what I do for a living. Often, I go too long between these conversations and I question what I’m doing and whether or not I’m making a difference. This student recently lost his grandmother. There was nothing profound about my conversation and I didn’t have any sage advice for him. I only listened to his story and learned about him and the tacos his grandma used to make. He thanked me as he left my office.

I was reminded today of how important it is to be present with others.

When I look at how much technology has advanced in the last few decades, it blows my mind. I believe technology has huge potential for positive change. But, as with anything, technology has its downsides. To me, the biggest negative consequence of technology is that it has robbed us of our ability to be present. I will be the first to admit that I am guilty. I often take my phone out of my pocket – almost reflexively – to see what’s new. Sitting in a waiting room for a doctor’s appointment, standing in line at the store, or riding in a car, I can’t help but check.

We don’t just do this when we’re alone. How often do I sit at a table with a friend for a meal or a coffee and, almost immediately, our phones are placed in front of us? It’s as if we’re saying “I’m listening to you but something more important may happen at any time and I’ll need to attend to that.” Even if we don’t mean that, or we know that the other person doesn’t mean it, we can’t help but feel that our attention is split.

I was recently talking to coworkers about the Jewish tradition of “sitting shiva” when a family member dies. Shiva, which means seven, is a period of seven days when those who are mourning stay at home and others come to sit with them. They recognize the importance of others’ presence as they mourn – their physical presence. This is a time for the bereaved to talk about their loss and for others to listen.

Simon Sinek describes the cultural trend of technology addiction in the video interview linked below. Although he is talking about “millennials”, I believe much of what he says is true for all of us. At least, all of us who own a phone or have social media accounts. The effects of it may be amplified by younger generations because they haven’t known a world without the distractions of technology and social media. The reality, though, is that we’re all enticed by the fact that we can be in many places at once, in multiple conversations, and we forget to be fully here. We’re afraid of what we might miss.

This whole interview is interesting, but watch from 3:12-7:18 and from 12:07 to the end.

I need to take his advise more often. I need to leave my phone at home, in the car, or in the other room and be present with those who are with me. Yes, getting a “like” on my social media post may release dopamine and make me feel good, but I think that truly engaging in a face to face conversation with another person, being fully present, can create the same effect. Maybe now more than ever because we’re often starved of this type of interaction.

My challenge is to be present with somebody this week. When it gets uncomfortable, when there’s an awkward silence, don’t leave. Don’t check your phone. Stay present, fully engaged, and see what happens.

You don’t build a bond without being present.
-James Earl Jones