Presence

pres·ent
/ˈprez(ə)nt/
adjective
fully focused on or involved in what one is doing or experiencing

I had a conversation with a student at the end of the school day today that reminded me why I do what I do for a living. Often, I go too long between these conversations and I question what I’m doing and whether or not I’m making a difference. This student recently lost his grandmother. There was nothing profound about my conversation and I didn’t have any sage advice for him. I only listened to his story and learned about him and the tacos his grandma used to make. He thanked me as he left my office.

I was reminded today of how important it is to be present with others.

When I look at how much technology has advanced in the last few decades, it blows my mind. I believe technology has huge potential for positive change. But, as with anything, technology has its downsides. To me, the biggest negative consequence of technology is that it has robbed us of our ability to be present. I will be the first to admit that I am guilty. I often take my phone out of my pocket – almost reflexively – to see what’s new. Sitting in a waiting room for a doctor’s appointment, standing in line at the store, or riding in a car, I can’t help but check.

We don’t just do this when we’re alone. How often do I sit at a table with a friend for a meal or a coffee and, almost immediately, our phones are placed in front of us? It’s as if we’re saying “I’m listening to you but something more important may happen at any time and I’ll need to attend to that.” Even if we don’t mean that, or we know that the other person doesn’t mean it, we can’t help but feel that our attention is split.

I was recently talking to coworkers about the Jewish tradition of “sitting shiva” when a family member dies. Shiva, which means seven, is a period of seven days when those who are mourning stay at home and others come to sit with them. They recognize the importance of others’ presence as they mourn – their physical presence. This is a time for the bereaved to talk about their loss and for others to listen.

Simon Sinek describes the cultural trend of technology addiction in the video interview linked below. Although he is talking about “millennials”, I believe much of what he says is true for all of us. At least, all of us who own a phone or have social media accounts. The effects of it may be amplified by younger generations because they haven’t known a world without the distractions of technology and social media. The reality, though, is that we’re all enticed by the fact that we can be in many places at once, in multiple conversations, and we forget to be fully here. We’re afraid of what we might miss.

This whole interview is interesting, but watch from 3:12-7:18 and from 12:07 to the end.

I need to take his advise more often. I need to leave my phone at home, in the car, or in the other room and be present with those who are with me. Yes, getting a “like” on my social media post may release dopamine and make me feel good, but I think that truly engaging in a face to face conversation with another person, being fully present, can create the same effect. Maybe now more than ever because we’re often starved of this type of interaction.

My challenge is to be present with somebody this week. When it gets uncomfortable, when there’s an awkward silence, don’t leave. Don’t check your phone. Stay present, fully engaged, and see what happens.

You don’t build a bond without being present.
-James Earl Jones