Social Distancing

Six feet or thousands of miles. They both can be tough.

This morning, I said goodbye to Ramón, my high school exchange student, two months early. The coronavirus pandemic made it necessary for all of the students to go home now. I wrote a couple of weeks ago about how our plans for spring break were impacted by this virus, but I never expected this drastic turn of events. Rather than meeting my eight-month-old nephew, celebrating my niece’s 8th birthday, and seeing my sister and the rest of her family in Pennsylvania, I’m stuck at home. Today, Ramón and I would be driving from PA to Washington, D.C. to spend a few days being tourists but, instead, he’s on a flight back to Spain. I am so grateful for the months that he had here and the fun adventures that we had. What’s hardest about the situation is that he won’t get to see his friends for a while when he gets home and I won’t be able to do my usual things to keep me busy now that he’s gone. I know that we have all been impacted by this epidemic, some much more so than I have been. Seeing the airport empty this morning was eerie. Going into a usually busy coffee shop and seeing the tables and chairs all blocked off is sad. I realize that this is temporary but the impact it will have, that it is already having, is unimaginable.

Our state went into a “stay at home” order this morning. We continue to see the number of sick people increase and the death toll is also rising. I completely understand the necessity for the measures that are being taken but the cost is so great. The words that keep being used are “isolation” and “social distancing”. We are all being asked to stay at home and, if we have to go out, stay at least six feet away from others.

I’ve talked before about how I am an introvert. I need time to myself to decompress and to process. I often like to write my thoughts more than speaking them (as you can clearly tell). I’ve seen jokes and memes on social media about how this current situation is an introvert’s dream. While I appreciate the humor of it, I have to say that, as an introvert, this is not what we’re looking for. Introverts and extroverts alike want and need connection with others, we just find it in different ways. As humans, we are wired for connections with others. Video chats are nice and social media helps a little bit, but they are no substitute for true human connections.

Ramón and I have been watching one of my favorite shows, Boston Legal, for the past several weeks. One episode was timely in that it talked about this idea of isolation. Jerry, a socially awkward lawyer with Asperger’s syndrome, is defending a teacher who was fired from her job for hugging an upset student. I’ve never been much of a hugger, but I do appreciate it in the right moments and I definitely understand the importance of the physical presence of others. This is what Jerry said about human connection:

Perhaps with the continued evolution of smartphones and emails and video conferencing, we’ll find a way to keep people from ever being in the same room together… won’t that be wonderful? Years ago, they did an experiment with an orphaned baby monkey. They gave it two choices for a surrogate… one which could provide milk, the other a hug. The monkey chose the hug. I grew up with various social disabilities. I had no friends. I got a job that only required I write memorandums. I lived a life, basically, with no real human contact. I improved through the kindness, compassion, and yes, physical affection of others. The human touch cannot be quantified. It cannot be analyzed with statistics. We can’t place a number on it. It’s the best, the most direct, the most lasting way of affirming another person’s humanity. We are living in such an increasingly isolated world. We IM and text message and have virtual relationships online – it gets lonelier and lonelier while teenage and adult depression continue to rise. There are, perhaps, many things we can do about it… banning the hug can’t be one of them.

One way that I find connection is through keeping myself busy – with work, volunteering, trying new things. Right now, even those things are impossible. The Denver Zoo, where I have been a volunteer for six years, is currently closed and staff are losing their jobs because of the lost revenue. I don’t know when I will be able to go back to volunteering. My school will continue to do “remote learning” for at least the next three weeks; probably longer. We are all experiencing some isolation and it’s not good for us.

As I said earlier, I realize that this is temporary. This too shall pass. The uncertainty is what makes it so difficult. We all need to take care of ourselves and take care of each other through this, even if we have to do it from a distance for now. For me, I know that being alone for the next three weeks or more will not be good for my well-being. Because of that, I’m heading to my parents’ house this afternoon to have some company. Do whatever you have to do to take care of yourself through this time. When it’s allowed again, give somebody a hug.

I keep having to tell myself that my goodbye this morning was just a goodbye for now. I know that I will get to see Ramon again. I also know that I will get to see my sister’s family and meet my nephew soon enough. My hope is that, through this difficult time, our whole world will come through it stronger and more appreciative of the things that we have. We’ve learned how quickly those things can be taken away.

Stay strong, take care of yourselves, and wash your hands. Thanks for letting me process in my introverted way.

Presence

pres·ent
/ˈprez(ə)nt/
adjective
fully focused on or involved in what one is doing or experiencing

I had a conversation with a student at the end of the school day today that reminded me why I do what I do for a living. Often, I go too long between these conversations and I question what I’m doing and whether or not I’m making a difference. This student recently lost his grandmother. There was nothing profound about my conversation and I didn’t have any sage advice for him. I only listened to his story and learned about him and the tacos his grandma used to make. He thanked me as he left my office.

I was reminded today of how important it is to be present with others.

When I look at how much technology has advanced in the last few decades, it blows my mind. I believe technology has huge potential for positive change. But, as with anything, technology has its downsides. To me, the biggest negative consequence of technology is that it has robbed us of our ability to be present. I will be the first to admit that I am guilty. I often take my phone out of my pocket – almost reflexively – to see what’s new. Sitting in a waiting room for a doctor’s appointment, standing in line at the store, or riding in a car, I can’t help but check.

We don’t just do this when we’re alone. How often do I sit at a table with a friend for a meal or a coffee and, almost immediately, our phones are placed in front of us? It’s as if we’re saying “I’m listening to you but something more important may happen at any time and I’ll need to attend to that.” Even if we don’t mean that, or we know that the other person doesn’t mean it, we can’t help but feel that our attention is split.

I was recently talking to coworkers about the Jewish tradition of “sitting shiva” when a family member dies. Shiva, which means seven, is a period of seven days when those who are mourning stay at home and others come to sit with them. They recognize the importance of others’ presence as they mourn – their physical presence. This is a time for the bereaved to talk about their loss and for others to listen.

Simon Sinek describes the cultural trend of technology addiction in the video interview linked below. Although he is talking about “millennials”, I believe much of what he says is true for all of us. At least, all of us who own a phone or have social media accounts. The effects of it may be amplified by younger generations because they haven’t known a world without the distractions of technology and social media. The reality, though, is that we’re all enticed by the fact that we can be in many places at once, in multiple conversations, and we forget to be fully here. We’re afraid of what we might miss.

This whole interview is interesting, but watch from 3:12-7:18 and from 12:07 to the end.

I need to take his advise more often. I need to leave my phone at home, in the car, or in the other room and be present with those who are with me. Yes, getting a “like” on my social media post may release dopamine and make me feel good, but I think that truly engaging in a face to face conversation with another person, being fully present, can create the same effect. Maybe now more than ever because we’re often starved of this type of interaction.

My challenge is to be present with somebody this week. When it gets uncomfortable, when there’s an awkward silence, don’t leave. Don’t check your phone. Stay present, fully engaged, and see what happens.

You don’t build a bond without being present.
-James Earl Jones