Presence

pres·ent
/ˈprez(ə)nt/
adjective
fully focused on or involved in what one is doing or experiencing

I had a conversation with a student at the end of the school day today that reminded me why I do what I do for a living. Often, I go too long between these conversations and I question what I’m doing and whether or not I’m making a difference. This student recently lost his grandmother. There was nothing profound about my conversation and I didn’t have any sage advice for him. I only listened to his story and learned about him and the tacos his grandma used to make. He thanked me as he left my office.

I was reminded today of how important it is to be present with others.

When I look at how much technology has advanced in the last few decades, it blows my mind. I believe technology has huge potential for positive change. But, as with anything, technology has its downsides. To me, the biggest negative consequence of technology is that it has robbed us of our ability to be present. I will be the first to admit that I am guilty. I often take my phone out of my pocket – almost reflexively – to see what’s new. Sitting in a waiting room for a doctor’s appointment, standing in line at the store, or riding in a car, I can’t help but check.

We don’t just do this when we’re alone. How often do I sit at a table with a friend for a meal or a coffee and, almost immediately, our phones are placed in front of us? It’s as if we’re saying “I’m listening to you but something more important may happen at any time and I’ll need to attend to that.” Even if we don’t mean that, or we know that the other person doesn’t mean it, we can’t help but feel that our attention is split.

I was recently talking to coworkers about the Jewish tradition of “sitting shiva” when a family member dies. Shiva, which means seven, is a period of seven days when those who are mourning stay at home and others come to sit with them. They recognize the importance of others’ presence as they mourn – their physical presence. This is a time for the bereaved to talk about their loss and for others to listen.

Simon Sinek describes the cultural trend of technology addiction in the video interview linked below. Although he is talking about “millennials”, I believe much of what he says is true for all of us. At least, all of us who own a phone or have social media accounts. The effects of it may be amplified by younger generations because they haven’t known a world without the distractions of technology and social media. The reality, though, is that we’re all enticed by the fact that we can be in many places at once, in multiple conversations, and we forget to be fully here. We’re afraid of what we might miss.

This whole interview is interesting, but watch from 3:12-7:18 and from 12:07 to the end.

I need to take his advise more often. I need to leave my phone at home, in the car, or in the other room and be present with those who are with me. Yes, getting a “like” on my social media post may release dopamine and make me feel good, but I think that truly engaging in a face to face conversation with another person, being fully present, can create the same effect. Maybe now more than ever because we’re often starved of this type of interaction.

My challenge is to be present with somebody this week. When it gets uncomfortable, when there’s an awkward silence, don’t leave. Don’t check your phone. Stay present, fully engaged, and see what happens.

You don’t build a bond without being present.
-James Earl Jones

The Irony of Intimacy

Reposted from March 21, 2011

I, like most people, don’t always want others to know everything about me. I’m afraid that, if people get too close, they will see my flaws and not like me anymore. I think this is one of the most common fears of all humanity.

Over the past couple of months, I have had some amazing conversations with some of the people I care about the most. I’ve gotten to know some people really well and I’ve taken some superficial relationships to a deeper level. In the process, I’ve learned some hard things. I see that other people have shortfalls and that they screw up often. Sometimes big. I’ve learned that people are not always honest, even when you think they are. I’ve heard nasty rumors that occasionally turn out to be true. I’ve seen others get “caught” in their mess and suffer the consequences.

Here is the part that surprises me: when I learn about other people’s mistakes, poor choices, failures, and flaws, I don’t like them less. In fact, when others’ shortcomings are exposed, it makes me want to know them even more. I won’t lie and say that I don’t get angry or frustrated sometimes, but in the end, I find that seeing others’ brokenness makes me want to love them more.

When I was growing up, I had a “My Buddy” doll. The pocket on his overalls was sewn upside down. This was clearly a mistake that was overlooked in the factory. The funny thing is that this particular doll was probably more valuable than others with the pocket sewn on the right way. And, I wouldn’t have traded that doll for any other, even though it was messed up. The flaw, the “mistake” on the My Buddy doll is what made it unique and is the reason why I liked it more than the others.

I don’t like seeing other people mess up. It’s hard to see somebody you love fall. However, if truly knowing somebody’s heart means knowing the bad parts, too, then I wouldn’t trade that for the world. The best relationships come from knowing the best and the worst in another person.

For those of you whom I have had the chance to get to know well, I am grateful that you are willing to share your lives, even the ugly parts. I want to celebrate with you when life is good, but I also want to cry with you when life is hard. If nothing else, I can be the one to say “me too”.

Auld Acquaintance Be Forgot

One thing I like about social media is the ability to look back on posts and pictures from years ago. I’ve found a few recently that have put things into perspective for me: a photo of my empty apartment six and a half years ago, the day before I moved in; a photo of the 1988 Dodge Caravan that my family had and I drove for several years in high school and college; photos of trips to Washington, D.C., San Diego, Scranton, Spain, Wisconsin, and more; and photos with many of my old Young Life kids who are now adults, married, and have their own kids.

Today is the last day of 2019. It hadn’t even occurred to me until recently that it’s also the end of a decade. I realize that days, months, and years are just arbitrary time stamps that we have created, but they help us to bookend different stages of our lives and to categorize an otherwise endless stretch of time. I remember the hype of Y2K twenty years ago and then the realization that it was just like any other New Year. Even so, I think it’s important to reflect on our past and be grateful for our experiences. The end of a decade seems like a good time to do just that.

Normally, on New Years Eve, I think about what I’ve done over the past year. For me, this year has been exciting. I’ve traveled to new places including Belize and Hawaii, I’ve seen the Grand Canyon and several other National Parks, I went rafting on the Oregon coast, I’m hosting my exchange student, Ramon, and my nephew Gabriel (who I will get to meet in March) was born. However, when I look back on the past decade, it is astounding to think about how much has changed.

Ten years ago, I had not even met most of the people who I have spent the most time with over the past several years. I had just moved out of my apartment (next door to where I live now) and would live in three other places before coming back to where I am now. I had not starting working as a school counselor yet and, in fact, I was only half way through graduate school (for the first time). I had not started volunteering at the zoo yet. Only one of my three nephews and nieces was born (and he was less than a year old). I wouldn’t be diagnosed with Crohn’s disease for another three years. I didn’t have my cat Simon yet. My hairline hadn’t started receding. I was only six years into my 16 years as a Young Life leader. I was still using an iPod for music and an LG Voyager with a keyboard as my phone. Instagram and Snapchat didn’t exist yet and Barack Obama was less than a year into his presidency.

I couldn’t predict ten years ago where I would be today and I have no idea what the world will look like in another ten years. It’s hard to imagine what new inventions there will be or what version of the iPhone will be out. I don’t know if I’ll be working at the same place or doing something completely different. I know that there will be some great times and some hard times over the next decade and that creates a variety of emotions for me. If I had the choice to see ten years into the future, I don’t think that I would. But it’s nice to look back and see all that can happen in ten years – the good and the bad. It helps me to remember two things. 1) If times are good, cherish it. Change happens quickly. 2) If times are hard, be patient. Change happens quickly.

What has changed for you in the past ten years? What are you looking forward to in the next decade?