Seven Years

Seven years ago this month, I was diagnosed with Crohn’s disease after dealing with several months of pain, weight loss, and intestinal problems. On Thursday, I go in for my 4th colonoscopy since being diagnosed (sorry, too much information). While I am not excited about having to do the preparation for it tomorrow, I am anxious to see the results. Long story short, I have felt better in the last year than I have felt since my diagnosis. That is due mostly to the fact that we have finally found a medication that seems to be working fairly well. Recent blood tests have shown that my disease is likely not in complete remission but, if my symptoms and my general wellbeing are any indicator, I am optimistic that there will be some good news on Thursday.

I wrote a facebook note back in April of 2013, four months after being diagnosed, that I found recently. What I said then still holds true today:

I have come to realize how much my happiness, motivation, and attitude can be influenced by how well I feel physically. I can feel great one morning and be ready to go out and change the world and, within an hour, I can be laying on my couch wanting to quit everything and find an excuse to not go anywhere or do anything. When I don’t feel well, I can tell that my productivity goes down and I am constantly preoccupied with a disease instead of living life.

The only thing I would add now is that it’s not just physical health that can have this impact, but mental health, too.

I am grateful that I am in much better shape than I was in April of 2013. Since then, I have tried about 8 or 9 different medications for my disease. I got a new gastroenterologist who genuinely wants me to be better which makes a world of difference. The medications I am taking now are weekly and monthly (rather than multiple times a day), and I no longer have to go to a clinic to get a two hour long infusion every six weeks. Even more importantly, I have been able to live my life the last year without having to constantly worry about how I am going to feel. I’ve been able to travel out of the country, fly on planes, and go places without needing to find a bathroom all of the time. I know that my condition may get worse some day. Or it may get better. Or a cure may be discovered. Whatever the case may be, I am happy to know that, at least for now, I am in a much better place than I was in April of 2013.

I mentioned that – if I could edit my original post in 2013 – I would include mental health as a factor of one’s wellbeing. I see with my students everyday, and even with myself sometimes, that mental status can change so quickly. Our perspective on a situation and even our overall outlook on life is always seen through the filter of our physical and mental status. I feel fortunate that my current physical health is relatively good and that I haven’t really experienced any significant mental health problems. These things allow me to have a fairly positive outlook which I know is not true for everybody.

The past seven years with Crohn’s disease have challenged me. They’ve forced me to grow as a person. They’ve given me a different perspective on life and allowed me to empathize with others. There have been some embarrassing moments and some frustrating moments. Some days were really difficult and some really great. Our experiences can’t be separated from our physical and emotional wellbeing so, the more we take care of ourselves and others, the better off we will be.

Now, off to eat my last meal until Thursday.

Right This Moment

Tomorrow and plans for tomorrow can have no significance at all unless you are in full contact with the reality of the present, since it is in the present and only in the present that you live. -Alan Watts

I attended a day-long professional development on Friday for all of the school counselors in my school district. I was expecting to gain some resources for helping my students (which I did), but I was not expecting to be challenged personally in the process.

Our keynote speaker gave a couple of presentations throughout the day, one of which was on the topic of anxiety. This is something that my colleagues and I see with students on a daily basis. It is no wonder, though, with the pressures and expectations that our students face – many of which did not exist when I was in middle and high school.

I have never particularly struggled with anxiety. At least, not with more than the things that would typically (and should) cause anxiety. I have always valued in myself the ability to stay calm in most situations and to have an easy-going personality. However, a few weeks ago was an exception for me. On several occasions, for the whole day, I felt a sort of underlying uneasiness, but I wasn’t really able to pinpoint the source. I felt it both physically and psychologically and I wasn’t able to get the feeling to pass. This is where the presentation on Friday struck a chord with me. One of the first things Nick (the presenter) said was that emotions really only last a maximum of 90 seconds. After that, everything we experience is our thoughts and the narrative we create about our emotions. I believe he took this claim from Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor who studies chemical reactions in the brain and the effects they have on us. When I thought about this idea, something clicked. I realized that the uneasiness I felt in the weeks before was lingering mostly because of the thoughts I had about it. My mind was in the future – wondering if this feeling would go away and worried about what was to come.

Anxiety – or at least a healthy dose of anxiety – has a purpose. Our discomfort is what causes us to move. It’s like sitting on a rock. It’s only comfortable for so long, but eventually I’m forced to shift. I talked in my last posts about recent changes in my world and wondering what is next and I believe those are the source of some of my discomfort. Although it’s hard to step into that discomfort, it’s ultimately what allows me to grow.

The other thing about anxiety is that it’s usually an indicator of future thinking. On Friday, Nick recommended several readings by Alan Watts so, naturally, I had to check him out. The quote above stuck with me because I realized that I often rob myself of happiness because I’m worried about the future. We can only live in the present and, if we try to live elsewhere, we will miss out on what’s here and what’s now. Being mindful and being grateful help us to be present. Each morning at work, we take the time to do a “1-5 check in”. Each person shares our current state of wellbeing on a scale of 1-5. I like this practice because it has helped me to realize that, more often than not, things are okay.

I want to keep learning how to live in the present. I saw a quote from a friend on social media recently from Lao Tzu: “if you are depressed you are living in the past. If you are anxious you are living in the future. If you are at peace you are living in the present.” While that may be a bit over-simplified, it often rings true for me. We shouldn’t forget the past, especially the good things, and we shouldn’t fail to prepare for the future. But let’s learn to live in the present and to take it all in.

A Way of Travel

Remember that happiness is a way of travel – not a destination.

-Roy M. Goodman

October, which has been for several years my least favorite month, has just ended. I don’t exactly know why October is so difficult for me. There have been a few negative experiences in October that have contributed to it but, on a bigger scale, October represents for me the end of summer, cold weather, less daylight, and less travel. It signals the beginning of the long winter where restlessness and loneliness can so easily creep up. The leaves have fallen, the birds have gone to warmer climates, and it’s harder to spend time outside. For the next several months, I will be forced to slow down. My biggest travels will be wherever my mind takes me and, while not a bad thing, my wanderlust will likely emerge.

I’ve had the opportunity to experience several new places in the past couple of years: Barcelona in 2017, Costa Rica in 2018, and this year Belize, the Rogue River and Oregon Coast, and Hawaii. These trips have confirmed my suspicions that I feel at home in tropical, biologically diverse places. Nothing makes me more excited than to walk through a rainforest or along a sandy beach, camera in hand, looking for the next critter to show its face. Don’t get me wrong, Colorado has more than its fair share of beauty and adventure but, given the choice, I’d rather be exploring a rainforest or coral reef.

So, here we are. It’s November and, rather than packing for the next trip, I’m drinking coffee on the couch while the sun struggles to melt the snow from last week’s storm. I realize, though, that I like the comfort of my couch, too. Being home is nice. I’m able to relax and reflect and I don’t have to be anywhere. I can choose to be content, happy even, in this moment, knowing that the next adventure will come soon enough.

Ramon and I are taking a road trip to the Grand Canyon and a few other National Parks during the Thanksgiving break and I am excited for us to see new places and experience the American West. It’s fun having him with me this year and realizing that there is plenty of adventure in my own backyard.

Next summer, I have the opportunity to go back to Australia and to see New Zealand for the first time. I think that I first caught the travel bug when I got to visit Australia in high school and see a rainforest and coral reef for the first time. Before that, it almost seemed as if those things were imaginary. Maybe those who live on flat land feel the same about the mountains. I’ve seen the Grand Canyon once before, briefly, and I remember my disbelief with how large it is. I imagine I’ll have the same feeling again later this month.

Although the places I’ve visited have brought me much joy and amazement, I know that they are not the source of happiness. For me, travel and adventure brings life. For others, a lazy day at home is the best way to spend time. I’m learning to appreciate both. I know that it is difficult to experience happiness all of the time but, the more we can learn to appreciate the slow seasons in life, the more enjoyment I think we will find.

What's Next

If you’ve followed me on social media for a while, you know that I used to write blog posts occasionally (originally on MySpace to give you an idea of timing). I’ve been processing a lot of things lately and I’ve been wanting to start writing again. I’ve always liked writing and, when I do, it helps me to process and to better understand myself. I always like to hear others’ perspectives, too, so I’m making it public.

Anybody who has known me for a while knows that I like to keep busy. I’m always up for trying something new. Whether it’s having multiple side jobs, going back to school (again), volunteering at yet another place, traveling, or pursuing a new interest or hobby, I’ve always got more than a few plates spinning. And, while I’ve experienced some of the typical big transitions in life (going to college, getting a first job, living on my own, changing jobs), I’ve felt lately that I’m in another transition period and that’s what’s been making me think (and eager to write).

In May, I stepped down from being a volunteer Young Life leader after 16 years of mentoring middle school kids. While I am completely confident that was the right decision for me, it sparked a thought in me of “now what?” Young Life requires a large time commitment so parting ways has freed up my calendar significantly. Fast forward three months and I welcomed my Spanish high school exchange student, Ramon. I am really enjoying the experience, the great conversations we’ve had, and the fun things we’ve done so far. I feel lucky that we have clicked and I’m learning the new role of being a “parent”, even if it is only for 10 months. I’ve also been a mentor (Big Brother) for two and a half years and it’s been fun getting to know my Little Brother and see him mature into now a high school student.

It wasn’t until after these recent changes that I realized how comfortable I had been.

The last time I felt the uneasiness of a big transition was when I started working at a new school. I had to take a risk and trust that it was time for me to move on. I didn’t know if my new job would be permanent or if I’d be happy when I got there (I am, by the way). That was over four years ago and this has now become the longest that I’ve worked in the same school. I’ve settled in and things are comfortable. It’s so easy to want to leave them that way and not stir things up.

I’ve heard the words risk and vulnerability used in a few different settings lately and, in my job as a school counselor, I’ve been talking to a lot to kids about managing stress and anxiety. I just finished reading the book iGen that describes the most recent trends of teenagers – one of the biggest being the amount of time spent on devices and social media, and the consequences that result. Kids are feeling more disconnected from others and depression, anxiety, and loneliness are going up in many cases. I agree that this trend is happening and I’ve seen it firsthand, but I believe it’s happening to adults, too. Genuine, intimate, face to face relationships seem harder to come by. It’s so much easier to keep people at an arm’s length (or screen’s length I suppose). It requires less risk, but it offers less reward.

The recent changes in my life have forced me to think about my relationships. Many of the people I’ve spent the most time with over the past several years are connections through Young Life. Now, having stepped away from that, I’ve had to be intentional about staying connected with some, reconnecting with others, and making new connections. As an introvert, I’m not one to let people in easily. If the relationship feels shallow or inauthentic, I won’t spend much time working on it. While I value that trait in myself, it certainly makes for a smaller social circle. I love having deep, meaningful conversations with friends and I want to do the counseling, parenting, and mentoring thing “right”. Those things require risk and they can be uncomfortable, but I love when I get to experience the pay offs of taking those risks.

The “now what?” question that has been on my mind is a bit of a source of anxiety. I don’t know what will be next for me. I don’t plan to go to school again. I’m not doing Young Life anymore. My exchange student will be gone at the end of the school year. I know that I need to live in the present and I know that worry doesn’t change anything. I am thankful for what I have now and lucky for the opportunities I’ve had and am having.

I need to take to heart what I told a friend earlier today: keep pressing in.

My discomfort is pushing me to act and to risk. That’s a good thing.

Here’s to what’s next.