Are we there yet?

It was almost exactly two months ago today when I realized that our world was about to change drastically. I had heard about the coronavirus and even some of the predictions about how widespread it would become. I think that my denial is what kept me from letting that reality sink in. That, and the fact that this is something that most of us have never experienced in our lifetime. We didn't know what to expect. It wasn't until school was closed, Ramón was sent home, and the "stay at home" order took affect that I fully grasped the severity, and the longevity, of this pandemic.

What I've realized over the past two months is that there are two feelings that recur the most and are the primary reasons for this situation being so difficult: grief and uncertainty.

Whether or not we realize it, we have all been grieving during this time. There is both a collective grief and individual grief that can be hard to process. For some, there is grief over losing a loved one to this disease. For others, there is grief over losing a job or a business, being separated from others, missing out on important events like prom and graduation, or having something end prematurely. Hearing the words "cancelled" and "closed" has become routine and expected. All of these things add up to the collective grief that we are experiencing globally. What adds to the difficulty of dealing with our grief is that we're having to support each other from a distance. We cannot be there for each other physically the way we normally would. The important ritual of burying those who have died has been denied or postponed for so many and new things to grieve are being added on daily.

The other part that is so difficult in this situation is the uncertainty. I would call it fear, but I don't feel that's specific enough. Uncertainty is a more specific type of fear that better describes what most of us are feeling. We don't know if we will get the disease. If we do, we don't know how bad it will be. We don't know when or how this pandemic will end or how much damage will ultimately be done. Our calendars are blank and we're not sure when we can start to add to them again. I understand the push from many to get things opened up again. We all want to get back to normal as fast as we can. We need to have our routines back, at least partly, in order to deal with the grief and uncertainty that we feel. For all of us, we need it for our mental health and for many, we need it for our physical and financial wellbeing, too.

I realize how gloomy this post is so far, but that's okay. I think we all need to call this for what it is and recognize that we're all feeling the same thing. This is a rare moment when almost everybody on the planet can empathize with one another. We're all experiencing this first-hand.

I watched this interview from The Daily Show with Ricky Gervais and they describe both of these things - uncertainty and grief - perfectly.

Ricky: I think that the big thing is, apart from the risk and worry about your family and self and everything like that, I think people wish they could have a date. It's like it's turned us into kids. We keep going "are we there yet? Are we there yet?" And no-one knows. No-one knows when it will be over. We don't know what will happen. Will it come back? We don't know. Can you get it twice? No-one knows anything... If someone said "it's over on September the 1st", people would go "okay, fine, see you September the 1st." But it's just not that easy...

I realize that everyone's grieving. Everyone's grieving. Recently, or now, and you don't get over it.

Trevor: It feels like that's what we're all experiencing on a larger level. For the first time in history, we're all experiencing a shared grief in a way that even world wars didn't create. Everyone in the world is experiencing some effect from lock down, some effect from losing somebody, some effect from losing their life, the way they live, their family.

Ricky: I think that most people have started realizing what the most important things in life are. I think it also makes you appreciate the mundane things in life... Those things save you.

What usually helps me through difficult times like this is to think about something coming up that I am looking forward to. Something stable. Something reliable. When uncertainty causes me anxiety, things like my routine can provide some comfort. There are a number of things that I am excited about in the next few weeks, months, and years but, based on what the experts tell us, this virus will likely still be with us and it may impact any and all of these things that I am hopeful for:

-Summer, my favorite season, is just around the corner. I can go outside, sit by the pool, go for a hike, take my camera, and enjoy nature.
-My sister and her family may visit this summer. I will get to meet my nephew, something that I missed out on in March, and spend more time with my whole family.
-I can see my friends, play a round of disc golf, meet at a coffee shop, or take the train to Denver for a Rockies game.
-We will go back to school in August, at least partially in person, and I will get to see my students and colleagues face to face.
-My next exchange student, Filip, will be coming at the end of the summer and we'll have a whole new set of adventures. I will also get to see Ramón again, hopefully sooner than later, here or in Spain.
-I will be taking a group of students to Panama next Spring and maybe still get to do our trip to Australia and New Zealand next summer.

It's hard not knowing what will happen. While this new daily routine may be less exciting and less fulfilling while we wait out this virus, at least there is still a routine. There are some things, small as they may be, that I can rely on and look forward to each day. Just like Ricky said in the interview, we have to appreciate the mundane things in life, especially right now.

There are plenty of mundane things in my new routine that are saving me: making my favorite coffee drink each day, having my cat curl up in my lap while I work, watching a favorite TV show at night to have a laugh, having a good conversation with a friend over text or video chat, or getting my thoughts out by writing in a blog.

Tonight, I sat on my balcony and listened to the sound of heavy rain and thunder as a storm passed through.

It's calm outside now.

Like that storm, COVID-19 will also pass. We don't know when, and that's hard, but it will pass.

A Thousand Words

40 Years of Family Photos

It's said that a picture is worth a thousand words. If that's true, then I could now write an anthology.

I have been staying at my parents' house since this pandemic began and it has given me a chance to do something I have wanted (and needed) to do for years. I have been sorting through closets and drawers full of things from my childhood: clothes, photos, receipts, souvenirs, toys, videos, school work, and more. I've thrown away a few bags worth of things, but I've also kept some items that still have meaning. My collection of PEZ dispensers, my Jurassic Park Giga Pet, and my Walkman and cassette tape collection (Ace of Base was my favorite) bring back great memories of the wonderful decade that was the 90s. However, the things that bring me the most joy are the photos that remind me of the significant people in my life and the times I've had with them.

After going through my own things, I decided to tackle the cabinet full of family photos going back to about 1980. These photos were piled in boxes, many of which hadn't been looked at for years. I wanted to be able to see and share them so, after going through and sorting them (probably close to 10,000 photos), I scanned and uploaded 2,834 of them into Google Photos.

My sister and me with our grandparents

What I love about photographs is that, while they only capture a single moment in time, they remind me of a whole experience - an event, a trip, a person or group of people, a time period, or a feeling. That moment will never happen again in the exact same way, but the experience can be relived in your mind over an over and photographs make the memories so much more vivid. Some of the photos I found were of events that happened when I was too young to remember them, but seeing the photo makes me feel connected to the person or place. My mom's parents died when I was only five years old so I don't have many memories of them. Seeing photos of me with them, though, helps to fill in the fuzzy memories that I do have and I feel closer to my grandparents.

What's also great about photos is that they allow us to invite others into our lives and our experiences on a much deeper level. While that may seem obvious, it's so much more remarkable than we realize. Modern photography wasn't invented until the 1820s and those photographs were nothing compared to the ones I can now take with my DSLR (or my new iPhone for that matter). Before that, people could get some fairly realistic portraits painted, but they had no other way to record themselves in time besides their own fleeting memory. A photograph is just light being captured on film or a sensor in a certain way, but it has the powerful ability to bring back memories, inspire awe, and trigger strong emotions. That is one reason why I have always loved photography since I took my first class in high school.

My friend Brett shared this poem a couple of weeks ago and it made me think about some of the places I've been and the experiences I've had with others.

Child of Mine, come
as you grow in youth
you will learn
the secret places
the cave behind the waterfall
the arms of the oak
that hold you high
the stars so near
on a desert ledge
...the important places. 

And, as with age, you choose
your own way
among the many faces
of a busy world
may you always remember
the path that leads back.
...back to the important places.
-Dad to Forest, 1986

Grand Canyon c. 1990

Photographs take us back to those important places. Looking through old photos has reminded me of many people, places, and experiences I've had. I found one photo of me at the Grand Canyon when I was only about five years old. I didn't even remember that I had been there but I found out that our family stopped on the way home from a trip to Arizona. Having just visited the Grand Canyon again in November, it made me think about how much different I am now and how many experiences I've had since I was that five year old with my Ninja Turtles t-shirt and my jean shorts. There is no way for me to remember every experience I've had in life, but photos can help me remember at least some.

While we deal with this virus pandemic, I don't know how soon we will all be able to visit our favorite places with our favorite people again. For now, the memories of both will have to do. Since most of us keep our photos on our phones and social media now, it's easy for us to go back, remember those times, and share with others. If you haven't looked for a while, scroll back in time through your photos on your phone (or your Facebook or Instagram page). I did that this week and it brought a smile to my face many times.

Here are some of my favorite memories and significant people from my life that I found in my photos:

Click here to see this whole album and see the photo descriptions.

I challenge you to find a photo or two of an important place, person, or event from your camera roll or social media and reconnect with somebody from that experience.

If there's a photo in the album I shared above that you were part of (or even if there isn't), I would love to hear a memory you have of that experience or another experience you and I had together in the comments.